This is the final week of Create a Safe Haven.
I have been thinking a lot about communication and relationships recently and how each of us communicate differently, we each have different individual needs that we all want attended to. We also have needs that all human beings require. There are so many skills that we need to learn. We may have learned a lot growing up and everything we learned as children has a big impact on us when we older whether we realise it or not. Some of these things we have learned may be great skills that support us but some things can make us struggle and have a limited understanding in how we can change life for the better. What I do know is though that there is great growth to be had if we can become aware of the things, beliefs, habits that do not support us so that we can change them and create better relationships with ourselves, our families and our children. I know that in your heart you want to have calm, connected relationships with the people you love. I know I do. Sometimes we can sabotage our relationships unconsciously with negative belief systems and habits that we received growing up. It's our job to become aware and more conscious so that we can make the changes so we can succeed.
We are not born great parents
We are not born great parents - We learn to become great parents and we also have to learn how to have great relationships and how to have great communications with people too, it doesn't just happen. We have to learn these skills. So before you start feeling guilty about not being the parent you want, let's not go down that route. Going into that guilt and shameful state actually takes your further away from making change. You can't do better until you know better. We are here to learn and so we make mistakes, we make them so we can learn from them.
When we become parents we are not automatically great at it because we have a child.
What makes a great parent is someone who is always willing to learn or unlearn what they thought they knew, to learn a new way.
It is someone who is willing to become uncomfortable in order to grow
It is being afraid to make mistakes but finding out that life is about making mistakes anyway
It is learning that we are not perfect and that we are always going to be learning and evolving throughout our life, there is no destination. It's all about the journey.
It is finding a way to create a deeper understanding of what is really important and sometimes letting go and creating a new world.
Learning to become a great parent is someone who has to revisit their own childhood again to heal so that they can truly see their child and their uniqueness they have brought with them into this world.
Learning to be a great parent is to see your imperfections and to learn to become comfortable with them so that your child knows that it's OK to accept themselves as they are.
Learning to be a great parent is to learn how to truly love life again and see things afresh.
Be willing to forgive yourself, be willing to try new things, be willing to face your fears and do things out of your comfort zone.
You need to be able to say sorry when you make a mistake and not to not blame your children for your actions.
You need to listen to your child as much as you want to be heard because when you listen your little ones learn the art of listening too.
We must be patient with ourselves because we are doing things and having experiences that we have never had before and it takes times to learn how to do things and find your groove so give your self some real love
We are not born great parents, remember this.
We become great parents as we unlearn, learn, let go, love ourselves and be open to grow and be taught by our little teachers.
Love your self, be open and be open to growth in the many ways it invites us to evolve and become the best we can be.
How can we have great communications and relationships?
When we have our needs met we are able to communicate with one another in a much better way. Where each of us feels validated. We all need to feel safe, loved and appreciated. We all want to deeply be seen, heard and acknowledged as enough, in fact as more than enough. We want to feel accepted. That what we do is accepted that we are as a human being accepted for all that we are just for being us. We want to be loved un conditionally with no strings attached, not loved for doing things a certain way for acting a certainly way but feel loved because we are all deserving of love. Just for being here.
The world is full of people and full of problems. We hear about them all the time. All of the problems in the world come from unmet childhood needs. People are trying to fulfill these needs in any way that they can often at the expense of others. Violence, abuse, war, corruption and so forth and so forth. People will do anything to get those needs met that were not met when they were younger.
The worlds problems are directly related to unmet needs. We can learn more about these needs in Hierarchy of needs by Maslow.
Hierarchy of Needs
Here is a pyramid of Maslows Hierarchy of needs. From the bottom up are our needs required. We need to have the bottom of the pyramid to have the additional needs fulfilled. We need to be meeting our own basic needs and the basics of our children's psychological and safety needs before we can work on belongingness and love needs. You can read more about Maslows theory here if you would like to learn more about it https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html
Becoming a Conscious Parent
This is why I have been learning how to become a conscious parent. I am learning to heal from trauma and meet my own needs so that I don't try to meet my needs through my child and then their needs will not be met, its a vicious cycle that I believe human kind can overcome in time. But we have to be aware of it and the impact it actually has.
When we can meet our needs and the needs of our children to the best of our ability we can build the staple foundation for the other parts of the pyramid in our lives. We can also have a deeper understanding of communications.
Listening to one another and having patience with one another I think are two things that are so important in communication. Are we hearing what we want to hear or are we really hearing not just what is being said but the feeling and what's in between the lines? We must grow in patience and perseverance and just slow down so that have the time to really listen and notice each other in our family.
Our children are always learning from us, so it's really important that we lead by example. Often they say or do things that makes us realise that our behaviour just isn't quite congruent with our expectation of them. We must not have such high expectations of our children if we cannot uphold them ourselves. Do not set your kids up for failure with this.
Always be open to change and growth.
I wanted to talk about love languages because this has had such an impact of my and my understanding that there are different love languages and we all have specific ways that we like/prefer to be loved, which is really crucial in our relationships.
Now that I understand what my love language, my husbands and my son's love languages are it has helped me to understand how to love them in a way that they understand.
There are 5 love languages
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
I highly recommend picking up a copy by Gary Chapman. There is a book specifically written towards the 5 love languages of children and one towards older children and one aimed at couples.
When you understand each of your families love languages you are able to communicate in a completely different way. A way in which each of you can understand and feel loved, heard and seen.
Upon ending I just want to help you to understand that it's OK not to have everything worked out right now. Sometimes in our minds we create this idea of how our life should look right now and we can so easily feel like we are failing when we have not taken any action.
Focus on one thing at a time, write in your journal. Write a list of all the things you want to work on and then circle the one that you can start working on now.
What steps can you take each day to move towards this action you are working on.
When you are clearer, life just feels so much easier.
Don't put pressure and high expectations on yourself that you cannot meet.
Start with smaller steps.
Remember growth is something we are always doing, there is not a destination we are aiming for. The best growth happens in the journey.